VELDA | seattle, WA
0 2 d e c e m b e r
nanyang poly MEDIA STUDIES
nanyang tech LINGUISTICS
this is [hatsuyuki] , where velda has been rocking the grammar since [180706]
i like my parfaits and maple syrup-drenched hotcakes
hmm, what else.. oh yes,
maybe listening to me isnt such a bad idea after all
On a whim I decided to alight at a bus stop two stops from where I usually alight. I used to stop there when I took the bus back from NYP 3-4 years back actually, but after I stopped taking 852 I've never alighted there anymore. But tonight a mixture of nostalgia and the urgent need to pee made me press the bell, and I'm kind of glad I walked that way.
It reminded me of walks back from secondary school, of walks back from poly, and of the first boyfriend, the first breakup. I almost forgot the bench I sat on when ah kent talked to me that night; had to turn back and look, in fact. This isn't meant to be some emo entry, just the pouring out of that sudden rush of memories that comes everytime you walk a route you haven't walked in a long time.
i haven't been able to put my thoughts down in a while, but somehow today, I felt I could write. Not that anybody reads anymore, but somehow the words came out easily tonight.
I've stopped writing regularly, because suddenly I didn't know what to talk about, and I didn't know what affected me anymore.
I might be okay, but actually I don't know how okay I am.
I can tell myself I'm okay, but seriously I have no idea. Honestly? I don't know.
But because it's me, I always appear okay. I know. It sucks, but I've gone beyond that a long time ago.
"I told myself to stop crying, because I didn't want you to feel guilty." When I told ruilong about that, she said something that hit home so bad.
Ruilong Goh: you love him so much that you dont want him to feel guilty
even though I was hurting like anything inside.
fuck that. I really know how to hurt myself sometimes.
very interesting conversations we had today, dear friends. and I'm kind of glad we recorded it, sadistically speaking. I didn't know this was how I talked to people, and this was how people replied to me. listening back its freaking hilarious. thanks dude, for making me laugh like a siao kao again.
been rather tired these few days, maybe its the daily trips into school and the sleep that doesn't come that easily sometimes. But its just fourteen weeks of this, and I should chiong.
I've not been sleeping for a full stretch of at least 6 hours at all. Sleeping and waking, and sleeping and waking, every 2, 3 hours, and feeling like shit everytime I do. Is this how jet lag's supposed to be? I believe external factors helped too.
Loads of work to do for FYP, and I really want to come up with an awesome awesome paper. You know, firstly because it's basically the most important thing I have to deliver out of these 4 years of university, and secondly, to let you know, that all I've said about how I can use school to cope with every other distracting thing in my life is fucking true. I have more pride than that, and you couldn't see that.
'You must have loved him very much,' said Mr Satterthwaite gently. 'To make such a sacrifice?' She laughed. 'Not quite that. To make it so light-heartedly.' 'Ah, yes - perhaps - you are right.'
(Harlequin's Lane in The Mysterious Mr Quin, by Agatha Christie)
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I know a hundred ways of love, and each one makes the loved one rue.
(Sleeping Murder, by Agatha Christie)
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hauntingly beautiful sentences and words.
I do love so much of her work, and the second quote is one I would never forget.
5 more hours to takeoff. It's goodbye the United States of America, and hello Singapore. Oh, with Korea somewhere in the middle. And I think I mentioned before that sayonara is used for a separation that's over a longer period of time.
You know, I have been so confused. 7 hours before I leave Seattle, and I haven't really solved anything. Mum said I have matured, but I think circumstances caused me to. I suppose it tends to happen like that, but this feeling isn't very good, I suppose. I've grown to realise that you are a person of few words, though it seems like you talk a lot, and you tell a lot of stuff, but what you feel inside tends to stay within. Through your actions I learned to understand how you feel, and no longer hanker after you for words of reassurance. It sometimes plants seeds of doubt within me, and makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. And maybe, too, I just am afraid to know what you might say.
Maybe there isn't a right or a wrong, there just is what you want and don't. I never used to believe in fate, because I believed that everything you want you would have to earn it. But this time round, perhaps to make myself feel better, I'd say I'd leave it to fate.
